Well, after another lost pregnancy, I am exhausted. I'm exhausted from wanting this so bad, from being sad, from crying, from waiting, from hoping, from disappointments, from the heart wrenching pain I feel everytime I see a pregnant woman or a daddy holding his baby girl...exhausted from everything on the roller coaster of infertility. I am to the point where I don't want to see another shot, another pill, another cotton swab for a long, long time. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted. I just want to be happy and content with my life and how it is right now at this very moment. For I am blessed in so many other ways. I need to be happy just being "auntie" for now.
I know someday we are going to have our family and be able to look back at this and understand why we went through it and what we learned from it. But right now it doesn't make any sense. We just have to hold on to God's promise that he knows His plan for us. And that someday we'll have our family...just not today.
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Sarah said, "God has brought me laughter, and everyone who hears about this will laugh with me." Genesis 21:6 (Sarah's quote when learning she was pregnant after 75 years of trying to have a baby!)
My Road to a Miracle
I wanted to create a page where my friends and family could read about my fertility journey. I tried to create it kind of as a journal of my experiences and feelings. You will read about my struggles, my lessons learned, my blessings, and hopefully one day, my miracle...
Blessings Video
Our current treatment...
Next up: Frozen embryo transfer on Tuesday, April 29th at 11:30 a.m. - successful!!
My words in a song...
The Reason
Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive "advice." We can all list the most popular ones: "Just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "adopt and you'll get pregnant," or "things happen for a reason", of the most painful from those who think they've got the goods on God's plan, "Maybe God never meant for you to have children." The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me. These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say, "Maybe God never meant for you to live." However, because I am infertile, I'm supposed to get on with my life. It's hard to understand that people can not see infertility for what it is, a disease for which I have to seek treatment. What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, "Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung or die." What if he'd never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that that was God's plan? "What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility? I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility. No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let him down. Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known. While I would never choose infertility, I can not deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know."Author unknown
Favorite Links...
Fertility Timeline
July 19, 2003: Married
Oct. 2004: cone biopsy
May 2005: began TTC
Dec. 05 - Feb. 06: fertility work-up/analysis
March 2006: First IUI attempted but nurse could not get speculum into cervical opening
April 2006: Laporoscopy performed to remove endometriosis and dilate cervical opening (so IUI could be peformed)
April 2007: 2nd IUI
Sept. 2006: 3rd IUI
Oct. 2006: 4th and final IUI
Jan. 2007: GIFT #1; BFN
March 2007: FET #1; BFN
April/May 2007: GIFT #2 + ET; resulted in ectopic pregnancy
July/Aug 2007: GIFT #3 + ET; BFN
Oct. 2007: FET #2; resulted in either ectopic or m/c (never fully determined)
March 2008: FET #3; BFN
April 2008: Hysterosonogram: showed everything in uterus to be completely normal (no polyps or anything interfering with implantation)
April 29, 2008: FET
May 12: BFP!!!!!! Number looks great at 207!
May 19: Number continues to rise...2,539!
May 27: Fetus still growing...20,937!!!
May 29: First u/s showing a sac and heartbeat-6 wks, 4 days
June 24: Another u/s and baby moved! 10 wks, 1 day
August 19: 18 week u/s...It's a girl!
Oct. 2004: cone biopsy
May 2005: began TTC
Dec. 05 - Feb. 06: fertility work-up/analysis
March 2006: First IUI attempted but nurse could not get speculum into cervical opening
April 2006: Laporoscopy performed to remove endometriosis and dilate cervical opening (so IUI could be peformed)
April 2007: 2nd IUI
Sept. 2006: 3rd IUI
Oct. 2006: 4th and final IUI
Jan. 2007: GIFT #1; BFN
March 2007: FET #1; BFN
April/May 2007: GIFT #2 + ET; resulted in ectopic pregnancy
July/Aug 2007: GIFT #3 + ET; BFN
Oct. 2007: FET #2; resulted in either ectopic or m/c (never fully determined)
March 2008: FET #3; BFN
April 2008: Hysterosonogram: showed everything in uterus to be completely normal (no polyps or anything interfering with implantation)
April 29, 2008: FET
May 12: BFP!!!!!! Number looks great at 207!
May 19: Number continues to rise...2,539!
May 27: Fetus still growing...20,937!!!
May 29: First u/s showing a sac and heartbeat-6 wks, 4 days
June 24: Another u/s and baby moved! 10 wks, 1 day
August 19: 18 week u/s...It's a girl!
Songs that Inspire Me
4 comments:
Not today...but someday. I firmly believe that. It may not be in the time or the way we thought it would be, but it will happen. It's hard not to wish it was now though...
In the meantime, we'll just hang in there. Someday we will know why we had to travel this road. We can drive ourselves crazy trying to figure out God's plan, or we can just live one day at a time and then someday, hopefully we'll say, "Oh, now I see..."
Thinking about you,
Michelle
Teri - my heart breaks for you for having to go through all of this again. I know your pain all too well. It just seems so unfair. I am hoping that we will both get to that point where we understand the plan that was put forth for us. The interim is hard...but you have your husband and your friends to see you through. Take care, sweetie. - Megan
Teri-
Feel free to ask me questions about anything. I am here for you no matter where this rollercoaster ride takes you. You will get your miracle one way or another...
Take care hun - Jami
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