Well, after another lost pregnancy, I am exhausted. I'm exhausted from wanting this so bad, from being sad, from crying, from waiting, from hoping, from disappointments, from the heart wrenching pain I feel everytime I see a pregnant woman or a daddy holding his baby girl...exhausted from everything on the roller coaster of infertility. I am to the point where I don't want to see another shot, another pill, another cotton swab for a long, long time. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted. I just want to be happy and content with my life and how it is right now at this very moment. For I am blessed in so many other ways. I need to be happy just being "auntie" for now.
I know someday we are going to have our family and be able to look back at this and understand why we went through it and what we learned from it. But right now it doesn't make any sense. We just have to hold on to God's promise that he knows His plan for us. And that someday we'll have our family...just not today.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Monday, October 8, 2007
Nine
And it's on to our 9th fertility procedure...
Well, is it God giving us a sign, or is it just another coincidence? Our 9th procedure, on the 9th of October and 9 being "my number." When I was a little girl and started playing soccer, I chose number 9 on every team I played on because my dad wore number nine playing baseball in college. I started playing soccer when I was 5 years old and wore that number all the way through high school. So 9 has always been "my number." I don't really believe in lucky numbers, since I don't believe in luck. (I only believe in lucky blessings). But as I sit here and wait again for another trip to the hospital, I can only wonder...
So will this 9th procedure bring us our lucky blessing?? Only God knows and we can only pray.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Tunnel
August 26, 2007...
Well, it has been less than a week since we found out our 8th procedure was unsuccessful. The 2ww has ended with a BFN (what we refer to on the fertility message boards as a Big Fat Negative). Dustin and I have taken it pretty hard this time. This is the first time I have felt like I'm starting to lose hope - like I'm starting to wonder, what if I never become pregnant? Those thoughts are very scary.
I know I have to hold on to my faith and continue to believe that God has a plan in all of this. But sometimes it's just so hard to understand why he hasn't given us our baby yet. What I have learned this time is that it's all about perspective. One day when we have our baby, whether it be from our pregnancy or from adoption, we will be able to look back and say, "Oh, that was your plan, God." And we won't be able to imagine it any other way. But right now it's just hard to understand.
One of my favorite songs is called "Tunnel" by Third Day. I know there is a light at the end of this tunnel somewhere, but sometimes it's so hard to see. I pray that God will show us that light soon.
Well, it has been less than a week since we found out our 8th procedure was unsuccessful. The 2ww has ended with a BFN (what we refer to on the fertility message boards as a Big Fat Negative). Dustin and I have taken it pretty hard this time. This is the first time I have felt like I'm starting to lose hope - like I'm starting to wonder, what if I never become pregnant? Those thoughts are very scary.
I know I have to hold on to my faith and continue to believe that God has a plan in all of this. But sometimes it's just so hard to understand why he hasn't given us our baby yet. What I have learned this time is that it's all about perspective. One day when we have our baby, whether it be from our pregnancy or from adoption, we will be able to look back and say, "Oh, that was your plan, God." And we won't be able to imagine it any other way. But right now it's just hard to understand.
One of my favorite songs is called "Tunnel" by Third Day. I know there is a light at the end of this tunnel somewhere, but sometimes it's so hard to see. I pray that God will show us that light soon.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
August 18, 2007...
I am currently in what's known in the fertility world as...the 2 week wait (2ww). It is the dreaded 2 weeks you have to wait in between a fertility procedure and the pregnancy test that determines if the procedure worked or not. This is currently my 8th procedure and therefore my 8th 2ww. Typically this time is filled with prayers sent up to God by both myself and friends and family, along with much anxiety built up until that blood test day. This time, however, I am unusually calm and at peace. Don't get me wrong, I have my moments of doubt that creep in, but I am immediately changing my doubtful thought into a hopeful one. This time I'm living by the fertility board motto...believe it, conceive it!!
I am currently in what's known in the fertility world as...the 2 week wait (2ww). It is the dreaded 2 weeks you have to wait in between a fertility procedure and the pregnancy test that determines if the procedure worked or not. This is currently my 8th procedure and therefore my 8th 2ww. Typically this time is filled with prayers sent up to God by both myself and friends and family, along with much anxiety built up until that blood test day. This time, however, I am unusually calm and at peace. Don't get me wrong, I have my moments of doubt that creep in, but I am immediately changing my doubtful thought into a hopeful one. This time I'm living by the fertility board motto...believe it, conceive it!!
January 24, 2007
Dustin gave me this book to read called, “The Ultimate Gift.” He had just finished reading it and informed me that I had to read it next. Ironically, or should I say, divinely, I started reading the book during our “GIFT” process. I just finished the book today. At this time, I don’t know if our procedure worked, or if God decided it was in his will to give us a baby through this. But as I finished the last two chapters of the book, it hit me like a ton of bricks and I couldn’t help but cry; a good cry. For I knew God was speaking to me. I could feel it in my heart as I read these words...
“Anything good, honorable, and desirable in life is based on love. Anything bad or evil is simply life without the love involved. Love is a misused and overused term in our society. It is applied to any number of frivolous things and pursuits; but the love I am talking about in the gift of love is the goodness that comes only from God. Not everyone believes or acknowledges that. And that’s okay. I still know that real love comes from Him – whether or not we know it.”
As I sat there reading those words, I was overcome with emotion and it came out of nowhere, which seems to be God’s way of reaching us. I know that feeling could only come from Him. Dustin and I have been through so much heartache in our journey of trying to have a baby. There is nothing else we have desired more in our lives. We have learned through this process that we are not in control. The only thing we can control is how we handle and react to the circumstances that are given us. After all the heartache and disappointment we have been through, I want to say that I would not trade it for anything in the world. These trials that we are going through and the trials everyone faces in life are blessings. I have told myself that over and over during this process but I don’t think I actually felt it in my heart until now. Of course, our trial may seem like a pretty insignificant one compared to the trials others have to face on a daily basis. But I believe God “custom makes” our trials for us. This is the one Dustin and I needed in order to grow and learn. One of the most difficult things for Dustin and I have been seeing others around us having the dream we desired. When you want to get pregnant, it seems like everyone around you is getting pregnant! And it was so hard for me because I would want so badly to feel happy for those people and I would of course force a smile and a “congratulations” every time. Then I would call Dustin and bawl my eyes out. It is a horrible, selfish feeling to have. But do you know what? I realized something today. Those people have been blessed in their own way... but I actually now feel more blessed than them. And I don’t say that in an arrogant way - I say that out of the love I feel in my heart. We will have a fulfillment and gratefulness in our hearts that those people may not have, because of what Jesus put us through. Jesus loves us so much that He gives us heartache and trials in our lives, to teach us what only those trials and tribulations can teach us. Because we have gone through such heartache, we will never forget those lessons, which will help us in all the trials and heartache, as well as the blessings that are ahead. Dustin and I have learned to look at the blessings in our lives and focus on the many good things we have, instead of what we don’t have. That’s a lesson you cannot learn, until you have gone through something difficult in your life. Jesus makes us go through these things out of love. Trials, tribulations, and heartache are blessings from above. They are gifts from God. And no matter what happens as a result of this “GIFT” procedure to try to get pregnant, I know that Dustin and I will always need the Lord in our lives. Even if he makes our dreams and desires to have a child come true, we will continue to need Him for something else, everyday. This, I have learned. Here is one more quote from “The Ultimate Gift” that sums up what I am trying to say. It is a love that can only come from Him…
“The gift of problems taught me that obstacles are nothing more than a challenge that we face. Before this year, I looked at problems as something that was totally bad, something that had to be dealt with – or better yet, ignored. But when you look at your problems through a spirit of love, you realize that there is a grand design to this world, and the problem is given to you for the lesson it will teach you and the better person it will make you.”
Dustin gave me this book to read called, “The Ultimate Gift.” He had just finished reading it and informed me that I had to read it next. Ironically, or should I say, divinely, I started reading the book during our “GIFT” process. I just finished the book today. At this time, I don’t know if our procedure worked, or if God decided it was in his will to give us a baby through this. But as I finished the last two chapters of the book, it hit me like a ton of bricks and I couldn’t help but cry; a good cry. For I knew God was speaking to me. I could feel it in my heart as I read these words...
“Anything good, honorable, and desirable in life is based on love. Anything bad or evil is simply life without the love involved. Love is a misused and overused term in our society. It is applied to any number of frivolous things and pursuits; but the love I am talking about in the gift of love is the goodness that comes only from God. Not everyone believes or acknowledges that. And that’s okay. I still know that real love comes from Him – whether or not we know it.”
As I sat there reading those words, I was overcome with emotion and it came out of nowhere, which seems to be God’s way of reaching us. I know that feeling could only come from Him. Dustin and I have been through so much heartache in our journey of trying to have a baby. There is nothing else we have desired more in our lives. We have learned through this process that we are not in control. The only thing we can control is how we handle and react to the circumstances that are given us. After all the heartache and disappointment we have been through, I want to say that I would not trade it for anything in the world. These trials that we are going through and the trials everyone faces in life are blessings. I have told myself that over and over during this process but I don’t think I actually felt it in my heart until now. Of course, our trial may seem like a pretty insignificant one compared to the trials others have to face on a daily basis. But I believe God “custom makes” our trials for us. This is the one Dustin and I needed in order to grow and learn. One of the most difficult things for Dustin and I have been seeing others around us having the dream we desired. When you want to get pregnant, it seems like everyone around you is getting pregnant! And it was so hard for me because I would want so badly to feel happy for those people and I would of course force a smile and a “congratulations” every time. Then I would call Dustin and bawl my eyes out. It is a horrible, selfish feeling to have. But do you know what? I realized something today. Those people have been blessed in their own way... but I actually now feel more blessed than them. And I don’t say that in an arrogant way - I say that out of the love I feel in my heart. We will have a fulfillment and gratefulness in our hearts that those people may not have, because of what Jesus put us through. Jesus loves us so much that He gives us heartache and trials in our lives, to teach us what only those trials and tribulations can teach us. Because we have gone through such heartache, we will never forget those lessons, which will help us in all the trials and heartache, as well as the blessings that are ahead. Dustin and I have learned to look at the blessings in our lives and focus on the many good things we have, instead of what we don’t have. That’s a lesson you cannot learn, until you have gone through something difficult in your life. Jesus makes us go through these things out of love. Trials, tribulations, and heartache are blessings from above. They are gifts from God. And no matter what happens as a result of this “GIFT” procedure to try to get pregnant, I know that Dustin and I will always need the Lord in our lives. Even if he makes our dreams and desires to have a child come true, we will continue to need Him for something else, everyday. This, I have learned. Here is one more quote from “The Ultimate Gift” that sums up what I am trying to say. It is a love that can only come from Him…
“The gift of problems taught me that obstacles are nothing more than a challenge that we face. Before this year, I looked at problems as something that was totally bad, something that had to be dealt with – or better yet, ignored. But when you look at your problems through a spirit of love, you realize that there is a grand design to this world, and the problem is given to you for the lesson it will teach you and the better person it will make you.”
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