August 26, 2007...
Well, it has been less than a week since we found out our 8th procedure was unsuccessful. The 2ww has ended with a BFN (what we refer to on the fertility message boards as a Big Fat Negative). Dustin and I have taken it pretty hard this time. This is the first time I have felt like I'm starting to lose hope - like I'm starting to wonder, what if I never become pregnant? Those thoughts are very scary.
I know I have to hold on to my faith and continue to believe that God has a plan in all of this. But sometimes it's just so hard to understand why he hasn't given us our baby yet. What I have learned this time is that it's all about perspective. One day when we have our baby, whether it be from our pregnancy or from adoption, we will be able to look back and say, "Oh, that was your plan, God." And we won't be able to imagine it any other way. But right now it's just hard to understand.
One of my favorite songs is called "Tunnel" by Third Day. I know there is a light at the end of this tunnel somewhere, but sometimes it's so hard to see. I pray that God will show us that light soon.
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Sarah said, "God has brought me laughter, and everyone who hears about this will laugh with me." Genesis 21:6 (Sarah's quote when learning she was pregnant after 75 years of trying to have a baby!)
My Road to a Miracle
I wanted to create a page where my friends and family could read about my fertility journey. I tried to create it kind of as a journal of my experiences and feelings. You will read about my struggles, my lessons learned, my blessings, and hopefully one day, my miracle...
Blessings Video
Our current treatment...
Next up: Frozen embryo transfer on Tuesday, April 29th at 11:30 a.m. - successful!!
My words in a song...
The Reason
Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive "advice." We can all list the most popular ones: "Just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "adopt and you'll get pregnant," or "things happen for a reason", of the most painful from those who think they've got the goods on God's plan, "Maybe God never meant for you to have children." The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me. These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say, "Maybe God never meant for you to live." However, because I am infertile, I'm supposed to get on with my life. It's hard to understand that people can not see infertility for what it is, a disease for which I have to seek treatment. What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, "Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung or die." What if he'd never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that that was God's plan? "What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility? I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility. No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let him down. Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known. While I would never choose infertility, I can not deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know."Author unknown
Favorite Links...
Fertility Timeline
July 19, 2003: Married
Oct. 2004: cone biopsy
May 2005: began TTC
Dec. 05 - Feb. 06: fertility work-up/analysis
March 2006: First IUI attempted but nurse could not get speculum into cervical opening
April 2006: Laporoscopy performed to remove endometriosis and dilate cervical opening (so IUI could be peformed)
April 2007: 2nd IUI
Sept. 2006: 3rd IUI
Oct. 2006: 4th and final IUI
Jan. 2007: GIFT #1; BFN
March 2007: FET #1; BFN
April/May 2007: GIFT #2 + ET; resulted in ectopic pregnancy
July/Aug 2007: GIFT #3 + ET; BFN
Oct. 2007: FET #2; resulted in either ectopic or m/c (never fully determined)
March 2008: FET #3; BFN
April 2008: Hysterosonogram: showed everything in uterus to be completely normal (no polyps or anything interfering with implantation)
April 29, 2008: FET
May 12: BFP!!!!!! Number looks great at 207!
May 19: Number continues to rise...2,539!
May 27: Fetus still growing...20,937!!!
May 29: First u/s showing a sac and heartbeat-6 wks, 4 days
June 24: Another u/s and baby moved! 10 wks, 1 day
August 19: 18 week u/s...It's a girl!
Oct. 2004: cone biopsy
May 2005: began TTC
Dec. 05 - Feb. 06: fertility work-up/analysis
March 2006: First IUI attempted but nurse could not get speculum into cervical opening
April 2006: Laporoscopy performed to remove endometriosis and dilate cervical opening (so IUI could be peformed)
April 2007: 2nd IUI
Sept. 2006: 3rd IUI
Oct. 2006: 4th and final IUI
Jan. 2007: GIFT #1; BFN
March 2007: FET #1; BFN
April/May 2007: GIFT #2 + ET; resulted in ectopic pregnancy
July/Aug 2007: GIFT #3 + ET; BFN
Oct. 2007: FET #2; resulted in either ectopic or m/c (never fully determined)
March 2008: FET #3; BFN
April 2008: Hysterosonogram: showed everything in uterus to be completely normal (no polyps or anything interfering with implantation)
April 29, 2008: FET
May 12: BFP!!!!!! Number looks great at 207!
May 19: Number continues to rise...2,539!
May 27: Fetus still growing...20,937!!!
May 29: First u/s showing a sac and heartbeat-6 wks, 4 days
June 24: Another u/s and baby moved! 10 wks, 1 day
August 19: 18 week u/s...It's a girl!
Songs that Inspire Me
2 comments:
I want this so much for you two it hurts. Even though you know it will be worth it in the end, it is still so hard now. I, too, pray that God will show you His plan soon.
You know that I struggle with the same thoughts and feelings every day, and it is not easy. I can't wait for the day for all of us to look back with wonder at our journey and appreciation for where we have ended up. Keep the faith.
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