January 24, 2007

Dustin gave me this book to read called, “The Ultimate Gift.” He had just finished reading it and informed me that I had to read it next. Ironically, or should I say, divinely, I started reading the book during our “GIFT” process. I just finished the book today. At this time, I don’t know if our procedure worked, or if God decided it was in his will to give us a baby through this. But as I finished the last two chapters of the book, it hit me like a ton of bricks and I couldn’t help but cry; a good cry. For I knew God was speaking to me. I could feel it in my heart as I read these words...

“Anything good, honorable, and desirable in life is based on love. Anything bad or evil is simply life without the love involved. Love is a misused and overused term in our society. It is applied to any number of frivolous things and pursuits; but the love I am talking about in the gift of love is the goodness that comes only from God. Not everyone believes or acknowledges that. And that’s okay. I still know that real love comes from Him – whether or not we know it.”

As I sat there reading those words, I was overcome with emotion and it came out of nowhere, which seems to be God’s way of reaching us. I know that feeling could only come from Him. Dustin and I have been through so much heartache in our journey of trying to have a baby. There is nothing else we have desired more in our lives. We have learned through this process that we are not in control. The only thing we can control is how we handle and react to the circumstances that are given us. After all the heartache and disappointment we have been through, I want to say that I would not trade it for anything in the world. These trials that we are going through and the trials everyone faces in life are blessings. I have told myself that over and over during this process but I don’t think I actually felt it in my heart until now. Of course, our trial may seem like a pretty insignificant one compared to the trials others have to face on a daily basis. But I believe God “custom makes” our trials for us. This is the one Dustin and I needed in order to grow and learn. One of the most difficult things for Dustin and I have been seeing others around us having the dream we desired. When you want to get pregnant, it seems like everyone around you is getting pregnant! And it was so hard for me because I would want so badly to feel happy for those people and I would of course force a smile and a “congratulations” every time. Then I would call Dustin and bawl my eyes out. It is a horrible, selfish feeling to have. But do you know what? I realized something today. Those people have been blessed in their own way... but I actually now feel more blessed than them. And I don’t say that in an arrogant way - I say that out of the love I feel in my heart. We will have a fulfillment and gratefulness in our hearts that those people may not have, because of what Jesus put us through. Jesus loves us so much that He gives us heartache and trials in our lives, to teach us what only those trials and tribulations can teach us. Because we have gone through such heartache, we will never forget those lessons, which will help us in all the trials and heartache, as well as the blessings that are ahead. Dustin and I have learned to look at the blessings in our lives and focus on the many good things we have, instead of what we don’t have. That’s a lesson you cannot learn, until you have gone through something difficult in your life. Jesus makes us go through these things out of love. Trials, tribulations, and heartache are blessings from above. They are gifts from God. And no matter what happens as a result of this “GIFT” procedure to try to get pregnant, I know that Dustin and I will always need the Lord in our lives. Even if he makes our dreams and desires to have a child come true, we will continue to need Him for something else, everyday. This, I have learned. Here is one more quote from “The Ultimate Gift” that sums up what I am trying to say. It is a love that can only come from Him…

“The gift of problems taught me that obstacles are nothing more than a challenge that we face. Before this year, I looked at problems as something that was totally bad, something that had to be dealt with – or better yet, ignored. But when you look at your problems through a spirit of love, you realize that there is a grand design to this world, and the problem is given to you for the lesson it will teach you and the better person it will make you.”